I'm someone else... but am I really!?
So... a while ago I posted about how I don't feel like myself anymore - that this experience with my daughter and me being burnt out-depressed-anxious has changed me.
Well I'm glad to say that I'm starting to feel like myself again, something I actually didn't think was possible. My hubby told that 'Yes you will come back again' but I didn't really believe it. I was torn down and needed to slowly build myself up again and it was a lot of work, a lot of hard work.
I've been working 50% now (started with 25%) and soon I will go up to 75% so I'm well on my way. I'm thankful for my supporting family, my amazing doctor and insightful therapist.
Mental health usually intails stigma but in truth we all meet difficult times and you never know how you'll react. I never thought this would've broken me but it did. BUT there is a way back and eventually you'll get there. Nobodys life is perfect all the time cause life moves in waves with high points and low points - and even though you're having a long period off "low" you know the "high" will come.
Perseverance. It is very difficult to see the light when you're in the dark cause the darkness will overtake you're whole world, I guess I just tried to hold on to the light points in my life. The big turning point for me was when we finally got her diagnosis and I could let go of some of that guilt, but also starting to go to the gym again - excersice changed my mindset.
So what I tried to do to feel better was:
- Excersice 3 times a week at least 30 minutes per
- Not put extra pressure trying to live up to everyones "perfect home" on Instagram - nobody can live in an ad
- Went to therapy
- Got a doctor that understood the severity of my situation
- Slowly getting back to work to ensure my mind felt up for it
- We tried to do some family outings in nature to get that good feeling
But I mean... I went through a lot and I'm still not at full capacity. One period all I did was sleep, I couldn't do anything else, I was totally spent. One period I got a form of social fobia, I didn't wanna see people I knew, I didn't wanna see people I didn't know - and at this point I actually forced myself to be in social situations cause I could feel my every-day slipping away. I went through a period when I cried all the time - I could just burst into tears at any moment, it was horrible, but then I tried not to cry in front of the kids so instead I cried myself to sleep every night, but that period ended eventually.
There were probably more periods than these but these are the ones I remember the most. I will probably never be the exact same person I was but I will be 'me' again. But maybe a 'me' that is closer to tears than before, a 'me' that worries about every decision surrounding my youngest daughters life in a way that I don't need to with my older daughters, a 'me' that worries about government decisions surrounding aids for special needs kids, a 'me' that has to fight for everything that my daughter actually is entitled, a 'me' that cried when Avicii died even though I'm not his biggest fan, a new 'me'.
I've always had a lot of empathy and compassion for others but I think now I have even more. Life is hard but life has a lot of rewards and a lot of amazing experiences to hold.